It was an honest mistake. Yet I was treated like a criminal; filmed and videoed by a beefy revenue protection officer who looked like he should be wielding a truncheon inside HMP Pentonville, not out in public.
Where is the humanity? Enter Transport Focus, the rail watchdog which recently mooted a more rational approach: issuing first-time offenders with a yellow card. Hear, hear. Here are some other yellow-card offences they might want to consider. The now-widespread practice of people video calling in train carriages steered me recently to a shady corner of the internet where I found myself shopping for phone jammers.
It turns out the devices are illegal to use in the UK, which is why I backed out of buying one. I might yet be tempted to change my mind. In the last year, I have been subjected to a Zoom business meeting, an intercontinental family Facetime, and someone vlogging on TikTok — all while minding my own business on a train.
It has to stop. In fact, loudspeaker video calls on trains should be a straight red. Think your delicate little ears can handle Black Sabbath? The inevitable result is increased competition for diminishing real estate on packed services.
The daily commute becomes a war of attrition as thighs, bums, and shoulders are deployed to reclaim a few centimetres of threadbare cloth. One solution: get some of the foam that football refs use for free kicks and start spraying it between the seats — instant yellow for those who stray beyond. That seems to be the prevailing mantra when it comes to onboard toilet etiquette these days.
